Aggressively Defensive.

I know it's bad when I can't even write about it.
I have been staring at this screen for an hour hoping for an outlet of all these emotions. 
But I just can't seem to make words of them.


I'm know I'm not stupid. As much as some people want to think that I am a love-drunk fool, I am actually particularly grounded when it comes to the idea of being with someone else. So much in fact, that it terrifies me. I know I have a smart head on my shoulders, I know my experiences and voyages thus far have taught me well. So when my heart tells me one thing, and my head is telling me the same for once, I think I can trust my womanly instinct.


Because that's always the problem with people isn't it? Our hearts tell us one way to feel, but our heads always want to contradict the notion. This drives us crazy, drives us up walls, drives us to madness. We just naturally think "follow your heart," but the heart can be the most deceitful above all things. I wish I could explain why that is so desperately. But no one understands, no one can even begin to grasp it. The heart is sick, wicked, incurable. Are our hearts self seeking? How can something that brings the life to our bodies hurt us so? It's something I just don't understand, I really just don't get it. 


When my heart was telling me to tell him how I felt, was it playing a trick on me? Was my heart deceiving me to teach me a lesson? I laid there listening to his excuses. One after the other, each minute passing, my eyes would drift away in dampness further. Was he really shutting me down by trying to say he respected me enough to not hurt me? Wait, what? You respect me, so you don't want to hurt me. What did he think he was doing now? I didn't understand what he was getting at, but with each word he defended himself with, my fears began to stand on their own two feet. Why was he even defending himself so aggressively, all I said to the boy was that I wanted to be with him. That I cared enough about him, and only him, to commit to making him. It had been over a month of questions and long days of not  knowing where we stood, what we were, or how he truly felt. Each time I would open my mouth to ask, or to tell, it was just too much for him to handle. But this night, it felt so right. I had gone out with his family, he had met mine the week before, he was dangling everything I wanted in my face. So, I told him where I stood... and he broke my heart.


My heart was screaming, but I couldn't say anything. My chest was imploding and all I wanted to do was run away. I had never been week in front of him before, I wasn't go to let that change. I walked out quietly, praying someone would come pick me up in the middle of the night. My best friend was talking me through everything on the phone, when I heard footsteps behind me. Before he was soft, then turned too rough when I was responding the way he wanted me too. But this, this was a side of him I had never seen. He was boiling with anger. He was yelling at me, saying that I was dramatic, that I blew everything out of proportion, and that of course "it was all too much." Naturally, I told him that I was sorry, but that's when I caught myself before falling in to my own madness too far. I didn't need to be sorry. I told him that all I was doing was telling him how I felt. I was telling the guy I was falling for that I wanted to be his. And for someone who is so lonely and wants to be loved so bad, he just shut me off more. Pushed me away to the point of brokenness. What could I do? Everything I said was wrong. I tried to cling on to the hope of not losing him by telling him I would never hurt him and that he didn't need to afraid, then he just left me. Just like that. He left me standing there, alone, shaking, crying, falling apart. 


What the fuck just happen?


Why was I so broken for this guy who found it so easy to leave me? How did our night go from bliss to the fucking sunken Titanic? Immediately I was blaming myself. "shit Grace, why did you have to say anything? You know he doesn't like it when you come on too strong with talk of feelings and the future. Everything was going so good, and you fucked it all up. again. again. again. and a fucking gain." I'm just defeated. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think the time was right, and that he would feel the same way. But he says that he can't like me on my time terms. That he is really fucking sorry about that, but it's not the way he is. He's got other shit. And I'm sure I already know what that "other shit" most likely includes. There's a reason he is keeping himself from me. There is a reason is denying himself the feelings I know deep down that he has. There is a reason, and I'm sure it has a better smile, better hair, bigger boobs, and gives a good romp. I'm not a dumb bitch. Although I was falling, I didn't lose myself. I'm not sorry I told him how I felt, and he obviously had to find a way to get the finger off of him by shitting a brick about leaving his house. So defensive. So aggressively defensive. I'm smarter than a lot of people think. And I'll be damned if I will be made a fool of for following my heart. Yeah, it might be a vindictive little bitch of a heart, but it's mine. 


It hurts, yeah, it really fucking hurts. But it is what it is.
If I'm not enough for the guy, if pouring out my heart to him, offering myself to him, if wanting to make this guy completely happy just doesn't appeal to him, then why I am I so sad? It's not like I was telling him to drop everything and hurry his little time terms up. I was telling him where I stood. I was offering some stability in our little fucked up dating game. If that's not enough to at least keep him around, then he doesn't deserve one more tear. Not even a single thought. But I meant every word I said to him. My feelings are tangible.


Hex the heart that just seeks love. For it is never filled. 


There's so much more I want to say. But I have been typing for an hour, and I was just about to go into a plea for him to just come back and forgive me, that we'll go at his pace for as long as he wants too. But do I even want that? Is he treating me the way a man should? I don't even know. It hurts, it really fucking hurts. And it makes no fucking sense. Just like our fight, just like the heart being deceitful above all things. Makes no FUCKING sense.