No one ever mentions fear.

This time last year, the most important thing to me was writing to the boy I loved, who was in jail. I met him in the Hebrew Bible class we had together at the beginning of my freshman year at NKU. For a month, it was butterflies and orange roses. Smiles and a new love that seemed right for the first time. He was all I had up there at the time, and day by day it began to wither away. He picked at me, calling out my flaws, or that things he didn't like about me. When I was blonde, he liked brunettes, he hated my lip ring, when in the beginning he loved the edge. He used to think my southern accent was adorable, soon he was making fun of me for talking like a "hillbilly". Still, I didn't want to lose him. I remember him taking me to the hospital in the middle of the night after we were fighting that whole day, because I was going into anaphylactic shock. He stayed with me the entire night, when I had no one else there for me. He looked into my eyes as I was laying there hooked into the IV, and just smiled and said, "I'm just falling in love with you with every passing minute."


Little did I know, he was a ticking time bomb. He told me weeks into our relationship that he was a recovering heroin addict, and alcoholic. He had been sober for months, so I was never too worried about it. I just cared about the person he was then, and wasn't going to judge who he was in the past. But by the time he was picking me apart, yelling at me, and smoking again, I knew it was all falling apart. Within weeks, he stopped showing up for class, stopped responding to my texts, and had simply, disappeared. 


A month later, I received the first letter from him. It was like he was a completely person. After relapsing and ending up in jail, he gave it time to really decide what he wanted. He wanted to let me go, because of what he had done. But he just couldn't. He didn't expect a reply from me, and wrote me to tell me that he was so sorry for everything, and that I deserved nothing less than a prince. I wrote him back, and for months our only communication was letters. He was changing, becoming a man of God whilst in jail, and within 2 months he told me he loved me for the first time. My mom was very encouraging and accepting of him, which helped, but I was so confused. 


When he was released from jail and on house arrest, I went to see him for the first time in 5 months. It was an unbelievably emotional experience to be around him and touch him, after so many months of forming who I thought he was now in the head. It wasn't 2 months later when I found that he was still the boy I met so long ago. He hadn't changed. He was still stubborn, still treating me like I wasn't that important, and took me for granted everyday. Yet, I couldn't let go. I was emotionally attached to this boy. I didn't understand it. No one did. But I'm sure he did. He would tell me he wanted to marry me, have a family, and when the summer drew near, we were even discussing an engagement. 


But it fell apart once more, and before I knew it he had another girlfriend. The same girl that was his "best friend" but happened to bone a few times. My woman instinct always told me not to trust her, and surprise, surprise, I was right. But even after they started dating, I still heard from him, he'd call me from time to time, tell me he loved me, and that he knew deep down she wasn't for him. It made no sense. And for whatever reason, after I was a living in Louisville a couple months on my own, I just let go. I no longer felt the need for his approval, or the urge to hear his voice. It's like it simply, fell off of me. Broke free. I stopped answering his calls, and made everything on my facebook private. He would always comment on how he checked my profile at least 10 times a day to always know what I was doing. Weird. I know. But once I made it all invisible, I got another phone call, about two weeks ago. It was at 1:00 in the morning, he asked "are you alone?" I said, "no." He then replied, "I just wanted to check on you, I'll call back some other time." And that was it. My heart didn't ache when he hung up like it used too. I barely gave it a second though, and that surprised me.





I went on countless dates, had meaningless flings, and always came back down to the conclusion that Steven was the person for me, because I just couldn't find anyone else. Every boy I tried to have feelings for, I just couldn't. Nothing was happening inside of me, my heart was untouched, and I felt just as cold as I always had. I couldn't even remember the warmth I used to know. It's like I wanted to have a commitment and bond with someone so bad, that I just began to lose myself in the chase. I was just beginning to let it all go, when I met the most interesting person I have ever come across. 

He was quiet and gentle, tall, and strong. He asked me questions, and smiled at my dodges. We watched the stars, and played guitar hero. He had a struggle, facing pain everyday... probably the first man that I could ever relate to in that area. He was smooth yet rough, so guarded, but something about him showed vulnerability. He was searching for something too. But things happened... and some things didn't happened. 

I was just beginning to write him off, when he kept coming back. Even though I was seeing other guys and keeping my options open, whenever I received a text from him I was most excited. Whenever I was with someone else, I would just think about how I'd rather be with him. Whenever we were together we could lay together in silence and just enjoy it, whereas with the others it's like someone had to be saying something or it would get awkward. I decided for myself to tell him how I felt and let him know that he was what I wanted. To my surprise, it backfired. And instead of him wanting to be closer to me, he just moved back. Now that I think about it, it shouldn't surprise me at all. He is one of the weirdest dudes I have met in my life. I don't know what he means by half the things he says, he likes to beat around the bush a lot, and stay far away from emotional answers. But that's the exact reason I am drawn to him. I love the way he is. 

This is the first time in a year I have admitted to having legit feelings for someone. It scares the shit out of me. There's so much potential, and unknowns. But when I finally had a night with him where I didn't think, and didn't pressure myself or him into feelings anything, it just fell into place. It felt natural to rant to him about my parents and little sisters, and I enjoyed listening to his advice and his own rants. I was being 100% myself, and so was he. Our chemistry in undeniable. Every time we spend time together, something new happens, a new feeling presents its self. Laying in his arms, something new is revealed to me about myself. And I have never been about to say that about anyone else. 

It's still new, and what we have is much like his body, fragile. But it's something worth the wait. I don't need to think about it, and I don't need to know every second of the day that he still wants me. Something just makes sense when I am with him. It's an odd sense of invisible security. The second I lose myself, the insecurities and questions, and over analyzations, I move closer to knowing what I want and who I want. Could it really be him fixing me unintentionally? I don't know. And that's okay, I'm just going to let it be, and listen to my heart.

I pray it doesn't deceive me.