No one ever mentions fear.

This time last year, the most important thing to me was writing to the boy I loved, who was in jail. I met him in the Hebrew Bible class we had together at the beginning of my freshman year at NKU. For a month, it was butterflies and orange roses. Smiles and a new love that seemed right for the first time. He was all I had up there at the time, and day by day it began to wither away. He picked at me, calling out my flaws, or that things he didn't like about me. When I was blonde, he liked brunettes, he hated my lip ring, when in the beginning he loved the edge. He used to think my southern accent was adorable, soon he was making fun of me for talking like a "hillbilly". Still, I didn't want to lose him. I remember him taking me to the hospital in the middle of the night after we were fighting that whole day, because I was going into anaphylactic shock. He stayed with me the entire night, when I had no one else there for me. He looked into my eyes as I was laying there hooked into the IV, and just smiled and said, "I'm just falling in love with you with every passing minute."


Little did I know, he was a ticking time bomb. He told me weeks into our relationship that he was a recovering heroin addict, and alcoholic. He had been sober for months, so I was never too worried about it. I just cared about the person he was then, and wasn't going to judge who he was in the past. But by the time he was picking me apart, yelling at me, and smoking again, I knew it was all falling apart. Within weeks, he stopped showing up for class, stopped responding to my texts, and had simply, disappeared. 


A month later, I received the first letter from him. It was like he was a completely person. After relapsing and ending up in jail, he gave it time to really decide what he wanted. He wanted to let me go, because of what he had done. But he just couldn't. He didn't expect a reply from me, and wrote me to tell me that he was so sorry for everything, and that I deserved nothing less than a prince. I wrote him back, and for months our only communication was letters. He was changing, becoming a man of God whilst in jail, and within 2 months he told me he loved me for the first time. My mom was very encouraging and accepting of him, which helped, but I was so confused. 


When he was released from jail and on house arrest, I went to see him for the first time in 5 months. It was an unbelievably emotional experience to be around him and touch him, after so many months of forming who I thought he was now in the head. It wasn't 2 months later when I found that he was still the boy I met so long ago. He hadn't changed. He was still stubborn, still treating me like I wasn't that important, and took me for granted everyday. Yet, I couldn't let go. I was emotionally attached to this boy. I didn't understand it. No one did. But I'm sure he did. He would tell me he wanted to marry me, have a family, and when the summer drew near, we were even discussing an engagement. 


But it fell apart once more, and before I knew it he had another girlfriend. The same girl that was his "best friend" but happened to bone a few times. My woman instinct always told me not to trust her, and surprise, surprise, I was right. But even after they started dating, I still heard from him, he'd call me from time to time, tell me he loved me, and that he knew deep down she wasn't for him. It made no sense. And for whatever reason, after I was a living in Louisville a couple months on my own, I just let go. I no longer felt the need for his approval, or the urge to hear his voice. It's like it simply, fell off of me. Broke free. I stopped answering his calls, and made everything on my facebook private. He would always comment on how he checked my profile at least 10 times a day to always know what I was doing. Weird. I know. But once I made it all invisible, I got another phone call, about two weeks ago. It was at 1:00 in the morning, he asked "are you alone?" I said, "no." He then replied, "I just wanted to check on you, I'll call back some other time." And that was it. My heart didn't ache when he hung up like it used too. I barely gave it a second though, and that surprised me.





I went on countless dates, had meaningless flings, and always came back down to the conclusion that Steven was the person for me, because I just couldn't find anyone else. Every boy I tried to have feelings for, I just couldn't. Nothing was happening inside of me, my heart was untouched, and I felt just as cold as I always had. I couldn't even remember the warmth I used to know. It's like I wanted to have a commitment and bond with someone so bad, that I just began to lose myself in the chase. I was just beginning to let it all go, when I met the most interesting person I have ever come across. 

He was quiet and gentle, tall, and strong. He asked me questions, and smiled at my dodges. We watched the stars, and played guitar hero. He had a struggle, facing pain everyday... probably the first man that I could ever relate to in that area. He was smooth yet rough, so guarded, but something about him showed vulnerability. He was searching for something too. But things happened... and some things didn't happened. 

I was just beginning to write him off, when he kept coming back. Even though I was seeing other guys and keeping my options open, whenever I received a text from him I was most excited. Whenever I was with someone else, I would just think about how I'd rather be with him. Whenever we were together we could lay together in silence and just enjoy it, whereas with the others it's like someone had to be saying something or it would get awkward. I decided for myself to tell him how I felt and let him know that he was what I wanted. To my surprise, it backfired. And instead of him wanting to be closer to me, he just moved back. Now that I think about it, it shouldn't surprise me at all. He is one of the weirdest dudes I have met in my life. I don't know what he means by half the things he says, he likes to beat around the bush a lot, and stay far away from emotional answers. But that's the exact reason I am drawn to him. I love the way he is. 

This is the first time in a year I have admitted to having legit feelings for someone. It scares the shit out of me. There's so much potential, and unknowns. But when I finally had a night with him where I didn't think, and didn't pressure myself or him into feelings anything, it just fell into place. It felt natural to rant to him about my parents and little sisters, and I enjoyed listening to his advice and his own rants. I was being 100% myself, and so was he. Our chemistry in undeniable. Every time we spend time together, something new happens, a new feeling presents its self. Laying in his arms, something new is revealed to me about myself. And I have never been about to say that about anyone else. 

It's still new, and what we have is much like his body, fragile. But it's something worth the wait. I don't need to think about it, and I don't need to know every second of the day that he still wants me. Something just makes sense when I am with him. It's an odd sense of invisible security. The second I lose myself, the insecurities and questions, and over analyzations, I move closer to knowing what I want and who I want. Could it really be him fixing me unintentionally? I don't know. And that's okay, I'm just going to let it be, and listen to my heart.

I pray it doesn't deceive me. 

Taking the risk.

I tell myself to take a breath,
and think before I speak.
But that's my exact problem.
I say too much, just makes me look weak.


I can't wait for the day where games no longer satisfy.
When people are with you because they want to be,
when you trust them because you believe them.
When security outweighs the question.


Chances are meant for taking.
Life is meant for living.
We chase death to cheat it, don't we?
Voluntarily jumping out of a plane,
Voluntarily giving a part of yourself to someone,
not knowing if you'll ever get that part back.
It's all the same, is it not?

I'd rather be filled with emotions whether they are beautiful or dark.

Because at least that's a reminder that I was feeling something in the first place.

Emptiness is not strong.

It does not make you strong to not feel.

It means you're alone.

It's okay to be reckless, 

it's okay to let your guard down.

Live and learn to love, 

or in your emptiness you will drown. 

Risks are for the reckless. For the Fearless.

There are some things I will never learn.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.


...To die, to sleep -- No more. 


And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. 


To die, to sleep-- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

must give us pause. 

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

Nightmare: Night Three

Night of November 13, 2010.

(dream)

I was riding bikes with an old childhood friend down Cropper Rd. towards Shelbyville, when we came to that four way stop in town. Our light was green to keep going straight through the intersection, but I told her to slow down and just wait for the next one. Then in a split second an old woman stepped out of her car right into traffic, committing suicide.  It all happen right in front of us. A truck hit her, turning her body almost inside out, then another car flipped over that truck, ejecting people out on to the street. There was fire and people screaming so loud. 

Nightmare: Night Two

I have been having some pretty vivid nightmares that past year or so.

Most frightening in the last couple of weeks. Finally decided I should start writing them down so I can remember them all, and somehow try to find a reason or meaning to way it's happening.  

Night of November 11, 2010.

(dream)

My entire family was flying commercially somewhere. My dad was to the left across the aisle a seat in front of me, sitting next to my mom. My little sister was next to me to the right, by the window. And my brother was directly across the aisle to the left of me. My dad was sleeping, and everyone else was trying to sleep. I hate flying commercially, so I was wide awake, anxious. Suddenly, the plane was headed straight for the ground, at 30,000 feet. Everyone was screaming. I could hear my brother cry out to God. My sister was hysterically crying. My dad had his eyes closed, and I couldn't see my mom. I whispered to my God to save my family, held my sisters hand and smiled, then told her "this isn't it, Blair."

It felt completely real. I remember thinking in the dream... "too bad this isn't like one of my dreams." I woke up with a new hold on my faith. This is probably the 10th nightmare I have had about dying in a aircraft. What does it mean?

Nightmare: Night One

I have been having some pretty vivid nightmares that past year or so.

Most frightening in the last couple of weeks.Finally decided I should start writing them down so I can remember them all, and somehow try to find a reason or meaning to way it's happening.  

Night of November 4, 2010.

(dream) 

I was sleeping in my bed at my apartment when I started hearing loud noises in the kitchen/walk in area. I tried to get up, as I was obviously in my REM sleep. I opened up my bedroom door slowly to see a boy from my volleyball class standing there with a knife. I punched him in the face and tried to scream, but nothing came out. He put me in a headlock as I pounded into his ribs with my elbows. Somehow he got away, and I called 911 immediately.

As I was coming out of the dream, I began hearing noises in my kitchen/walk in area. My heart stopped because it was just like the dream. I got up, walked around the apartment and finally went back to my room. Right when I was falling back to sleep my obnoxious Co2 alarm went off. The most terrifying beeps ever. But I got up, tried to turn it off, and walked into Reece's room. He wasn't waking up even with the god awful thing in the same room with him. It took me turning on the light and yelling his name for him to wake up.

Was he asphyxiated? Was I asphyxiated by the co2 before that dream woke me up? Would that alarm have woken me up? ....who really woke me up? What could this mean?

Don't hate the player, hate the game :p

The past couple of months I have been conducting a series of experiments. And what I have found has been enlightening and sometimes predictable, yet extremely helpful. I share these lessons and tips to all those other [single] females out there just trying to find the right guy, and never settling for the douche bags. Girls, listen carefully :]

Lesson One. It's true that guys want what they can't have.

I find this by doing something extremely simple. I hang out with a dude with more than just one girl around. This is a method. You see, by making yourself appear extremely available is one thing, but by also throwing more females in the situation you give the one dude options. Yes, the day/night might have started out just being about the two of you, but now the only thing running through his head is "oh man, which to choose, which to choose". Because of course guys think that one of the chicks automatically want him. HOWEVER, as soon as you leak the detail that you are seeing another guy, or texting, or calling another guy, the attention that might have been on someone else, nonchalantly but definitely directs toward you. You might even get a little, "Are you really going to go out with that dude?" And be fully prepared for him to make a move on you as well. This, in fact, is not him showing his feelings for you. It's a competition with "the other dude" that he doesn't even know. Once you let him succeed, he has won. He will not want to date you the next day.

So ladies, keep YOUR pimp hand strong, keep doing what you're doing, and don't let him touch you. The second we let them get their way, is the second we lose.

Lesson Two. Never settle.

All us girls have a sort of blue print for their perfect significant other. Sometimes it seems like it can be impossible to find your Prince. Men will constantly out you down for having high expectations. They will tell you that you have your head in the clouds, and a few will have the nerve to utter the words, “Chivalry is dead, sweetheart.” This is the easiest lesson you will ever learn- turn around and walk away. Your woman intuition is telling you to do just that, and you will regret not listening to it.

So ladies, NEVER let a man interfere with your hopes and dreams. For yourself, and your future. Never let a man get into your head and let you think for a second that you deserve less than what you want. Every woman is a Princess and deserves to be treated as one. DO NOT settle for a man until he fights to be your Prince.

Lesson Three. Genuinely liking the guy doesn’t get the guy.

This is easy. The girls worth having those few good guys that there are out there, are the ones with pure hearts that just want to find true love. But the nice girls just never get the guy, do they? The nice guys are always with the trouble making whores, and the nice girls are always with macho jerks. So why is it that the good guys and girls can’t find each other? I’ll tell you, guys [and girls] like a challenge. If they know for sure that something is easy, it’s expendable. Men want to be intrigued. They don’t want to know your feelings, they don’t want to know how honest or reliable you are. They couldn’t care less about your past, and only care about your sex appeal and how you’re saying the things you’re saying, or doing the things you’re doing. No matter how much you could like or even love a guy, it won’t be enough for them one way or another. You’re either not sleeping with them, or too intense for their liking.

So ladies, keep that guard up! If you are tired of the games and are truly looking for husband material, you better never let that come out of your mouth. Men will eat that vulnerability up and spit you back out. Your heart will break, and you will only keep losing faith in finding the one. YOU call the shots. YOU decide what you want to do with the current guy you’re with. Keep your true intentions to yourself until the right guy comes along that WANTS to know you that deeply, and don’t be fooled by the guys that just act like they care to get in your pants.

Lesson Four. Never get deep with a friend you’re in too.

I’ll keep this one as simple and to the point as I can. We all have friends of the opposite sex, and some are closer than others. And at one point or another you might find yourself thinking that your feelings might exceed those of a strictly friendly nature. You might confide in this person sometimes, and even let it get to a point where you are telling them your darkest weaknesses. THIS IS A MISTAKE. Your feelings will quickly fool your head into thinking he cares about you because he listens. He’ll tell you how proud he is of you and your honesty, and how honored he is to be the one you can talk too. But the next day it’ll be like it never even happened. Thinking you just got closer, you’ll try to hang out again, and it won’t happen. Congratulations, you have fooled yourself and lost a friendship all in one.

So ladies, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. As much as it sucks to say, there really are not that many people you can trust in this dog eat dog world, not even your closest friends. The majority of humans are self seeking and only care about their own happiness and pleasure. Therefore, you can never fully let your walls down to anyone. You won’t get the satisfaction you want until you are relaying your struggles to someone who genuinely cares about you. Be smart.

Lesson Five. Insecurities will ALWAYS be the death of you.

Now this was something that I thought could have gone one of two ways. On one hand, I have learned that guys can be in to the timid girls that underestimate themselves. To guys, they can feed off of those insecurities to make themselves feel more powerful. They can use your own insecurities against you, and they will. However, on the other hand, insecurities, [and in this case] will always push the guy away. This experiment was a little difficult to conduct. I went out with a guy that I knew was talented in music and voice. He was older than me, which would be a good obvious reason why it would be believable for me to be intimidated by him. While we spent time together, he played music for me and of course didn’t skip a beat in showing every skill off. But, when I played for him, I hesitated, mentioned how nervous I was to be playing around him, messed up a couple times (but made sure to laugh at myself adorably), and said a simple “you have no idea how hard it is to be this vulnerable to you.” But in all actuality, I am extremely confident in my voice. I love singing in front of people, and on certain occasions, have even used my voice to get my way. Yeah, you may think that’s a little vindictive, but it’s human nature to use our strengths for our greater good (humans are the worst). ANYWAYS, the point is, music isn’t one of my weaknesses, it’s something that always brings me to life. But as I was breaking in front of him, he was obviously feeling high above me, and I could sense him backing away. He had openly admitted to being interested in me, and was blatantly flirting with me and even took me to dinner earlier that day, but then soon pulled the “I know you might like me, but the only reason I came over here was to play music. A relationship just isn’t what I’m looking for at the moment.”

So ladies, confidence is your best feature. Confidence is the fastest way to have your way with any one you want! Be yourself, and never think for a second that the guy you’re with is out of your league. Keep the control at your finger tips, HE is lucky to be with YOU! The second you cave, is the second you lose.

So beautiful people, we have to stay strong. This is only a man’s world if WE let it be. I will never back down, and I will never give up. This isn’t a game to me, but if men continue to play me for a fool, I’ll play them even harder back.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Much love <3