My heart. Exposed.

I can not believe how much my life has changed in the past year. Let alone the past two years.. three years.. four. 

Yesterday was the four year anniversary of my grandpa Rooster's death. As many of my friends and people in my life know, he was suffering from cancer. His condition has just turned to terminal fall of my sophomore year, and being a naive 15 year old, I didn't understand that he could die. He was in the same room when I first saw light, when I first met my mother, when I cried my first cries. I had never known life without Rooster. He taught me about Jesus, he taught me about how precious life is. He told me the importance of minding my parents, and how beautiful my voice was. Even when I was just a little screech of a scream. Haha, he would sit shining a spotlight on me and listen to me sing for hours. Literally. And he loved it, he would smile and clap. He never had the TV on in the background, I will never forget that. I started making tapes of me singing every Christmas for him. Gosh, if I could hear them now... just awful I'm sure. But he would listen to all of them endlessly, saving every single one of them. He was at every graduation (aside from my last), every choir/band concert, he even walked me across the court as my parent on 8th grade night at West. But it wasn't just me, he did all this for all three of us Bors kids. Or should I say 5, he was there just as much there for my parents as well. And any friend that would come into our lives, he was just as open to them. Every person that got to meet Rooster was always blessed, saying that he touched their heart in so many ways. He was an angel. 

I've never been able to really talk about Rooster, and about what he meant to me. It just honestly breaks my heart to pieces. I am reminded that he isn't here and that he never will be. It still seems unreal, which is wild. I know everyone probably experiences this when death touches their life, but everyone is also different. When my brother and I were headed to his house December 15, 2006, after school, just like everyday, we were stopped by our mom up the street from his house. She told us what had happened, but none of us knew if he was gone. We drove as close to his house as we could, and I just remember jumping out of the car and running to his door. I wasn't allowed in, and when I was told he was dead, I remember collapsing on the front lawn, every bit of my soul shattering.  The days that followed were so cold, so hard, and only got emptier. The sunshine of my life was gone.

It's hard too recollect how I managed my life the months that followed, I don't remember feeling much, I don't remember saying much. I remember being angry, and feeling helpless. I don't think I grew much as a person until I decided to get baptized the summer before my senior year of high school. My life did change after that. I fell in love for the first time. I smiled when I thought of Rooster, instead of cringing. I talked to God on a daily basis. I had faith. My life began to fill up again with meaning.

As we all know, love meets its end at some point, and like you, I have dealt with my share of heartbreak. I graduated high school with a broken heart, singing to five thousand people about it basically at graduation. In the back of my mind, I was so sad that Rooster wasn't there. I don't know if I even felt him there really. The next day I was in a near fatal car accident that changed mine and my brother's life forever. Reece is still going through a legal matters, and I have been diagnosed with psuedotumor cerebri. A brain condition causing frequent migraines because of the pressure being so high... consequence of hitting my head a few too many times.  Since then, I have gotten so much healthier, and I don't really like to think about the months I lived so sick. I just remember being so sick that I wanted to die. The fact that no one knew what was wrong with me just made it worse. But at the beginning of this year, an amazing neurologist diagnosed me, and a few spinal taps and MRI's later, I had an answer, and a course of action. 

These days, life has just gotten complicated. I made a huge change in my life when I chose to transfer to UofL, and live in an apartment in Louisville. I found that Louisville classes were hard. Really hard. I found that being so alone was hard. Really hard. All my friends were far away, (the few friends that tried to keep in touch with me after going to college) and I didn't have anyone I trusted. Then bit by bit, the heart that I had made so strong with God's help, just began to shatter again. Except this time, it was a slower process. As in if this was a band aid, it was being ripped away millimeter by millimeter. That pain is indescribable. I hadn't been in love in a long time, and each time my hungry heart would have that opportunity, naive me would believe that the boy was telling the truth. It wasn't until my very innocence was taken away from me that I truly broke down. That I truly lost myself. After that, it has just been a constant search of fulfillment and healing. There for awhile it was hard to respect even myself. But like everything in life that is important, after realizing what I had, what had happened, and what I was worth... I just stopped myself. I told myself, "Grace, you are a good person. You have a heart that is forgiving and pure. Just because people like to hurt you, doesn't mean you need to become hard and hurt them back. What you have in your heart is rare. What you have is something that one day, someone will treasure."

I hate hearing "you're really easy to take advantage of". I mean, who would like to hear that, I guess. But the truth is.. it is the truth. People know how I am, that I could never intentionally want to hurt someone, and that if they needed me, I would be there. People have told me that was a problem, and that I should change. And there for awhile, I considered it. I have been faced with some terrifying doubts in my faith, in myself, in men, and in my family. But none of that is going to change my heart. My heart was made this way for a reason, and no man who breaks my heart is going to change the beautiful capacity of it. One day, someone will treasure what I have to offer. One day. 

Friends have come and gone, boys have come and gone, and various leaders have come and gone out of my life. I've been done wrong and betrayed by so many people, and I'm sure those certain people didn't even give it a second thought. I wish I could just say thanks to each of them, because they have just made me stronger. They have just helped me realize the depths of my heart, and what I am truly capable of. I will probably always keep giving second chances, and be present for anyone that allows me into their life, and if you view that as a weak thing, I feel sorry for you. Love, and faith are the most important things in life, in my mind. I am still learning and growing, and working on those two things. And I will never give up on either no matter how much I am pushed down. I just have to keep going.

Yesterday, four years after one tragedy of my life occurred, another has been laid down. I am scared, I am blind-sighted, and completely unsure of what direction my life is going to go in. But, with every struggle we are dealt, there is always something worse that can happen. It hurts to know what I know now, and because the ones dearest to me are hurting, kills me. But this is life. This is the life I have been given, and I can only be strong, and move forward. I will ask for prayer, if anyone is listening.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of the angel that touched my life... But I also think about the angels that are in my life at the moment. It's so easy to be overlook those, isn't it? I challenge myself and whoever reads this to reassess your heart. Find what is important to your heart, and give it all you got. That's what your love is for. Never waste or sell that love short. Love can move mountains, right? We just have to have the right kind. That takes making mistakes, and truly searching for depth. God says the hungry will be fulfilled, and the mourning will be comforted. Such a beautiful thing. Life is about to change drastically, and I know nothing will ever be the same... But knowing the love I have been blessed with, and the faith that I am always searching for, I don't have to be alone.

Must suck to be so heartless.

Good luck finding anyone this fearless.

Funny FUNNY funny how some people can make you feel like you are lowest creature on this earth, when in your heart you feel like you just did the right thing. But that feeling is completely covered up with the clouds of his lies and selfishness. 

Coming out of that little storm is almost as dangerous as getting into it in the first place.

But the power is back, the lightening that once burned so bright and powerful is now back in my finger tips. How the hell did I lose myself so quickly? When have I ever thought a man could offer me more happiness than I could find myself on my own damn time? It's amazing how you can stop yourself and think, "wow, this is different. Thus guy could be different. Let me let my guard down, let me give this a chance." And then you lose control. You lose yourself. You fucking lose the game.

So here's my message to you, latest dick to enter my life, since you're not man enough to hold a simple conversation with me. I said "this won't take long..." He said, "I know, because I'm going to bed."

You think you're special? You think you're so above me that you can do what you please with me? Lead me to believe you care about me, then when you're faced with a few questions, you stumble all over yourself to avoid any sort commitment. But it was so easy for you to make sure I knew you "wanted to be with" me. That would be keep me around just bit longer, right? Long enough for you to decide how to play the next set? Yeah well maybe I'm A LOT smarter than you thought, pal. Your other girls on the side would definitely not want that dick as much if they knew you were "with" someone else, would they? That's why you never want to make those god forbidden decisions. 

I said I liked you enough to try and be with you. That's a big thing for me. Haven't done that in over a year. You took me out with your entire family, and met mine. You dangled every possible thing that I wanted in my face. How could you not expect me to mention something as amazing as just moving forward? All you could get out of that mouth of your's was, "I'm not ready. I'm doing this on my time, not yours."

Well have fun living life all for your selfish self, pal. I wanted to give you what you always said you wanted, it's your own fault you weren't man enough to take me for what I was. I walked out of your house because you were being a ROYAL DICK to me. Call it dramatic if you want, but I'm just not keen on being around people who insist on acting like their shit is so important that they don't have to look me in the eye, or even stay in the same room with me while I'm trying to talk. I was as respectful to you as I could have been. I was always a lady with you. I always wanted to make sure you were happy. Yet you had no problem yelling that it was my fault it was happening, then leaving me standing alone in my own tears. You left me standing there knowing that you had put the idea in my head that you did nothing wrong, that is was all my fault.

Well fuck that. It wasn't my fault. You were just trying to make sure the attention was off you, and on me. Hiding those secrets so safely. I take responsibility for making the ludicrous mistake of even giving you my time. You did nothing but waste a perfectly good heart. When you spoke of your pain, I listened. When you told me what you couldn't handle, I stopped. But when I offered myself to you, you broke me down. And had no problem with it. Then you have the nerve to tell me I went crazy.. it was all me. You're done. You had no effect on me. When I fall, I land on my feet.  I know who I am. I know what I am capable of, and men like you will never deserve a woman as strong and passionate as I. 

So go ahead, take your drugs, and drown away in your loneliness. I'll be making music, I'll be making dreams come true. 

I told you that I wanted you and never asked for nothing, now all I wanna do is tell you that I'm over you.

Aggressively Defensive.

I know it's bad when I can't even write about it.
I have been staring at this screen for an hour hoping for an outlet of all these emotions. 
But I just can't seem to make words of them.


I'm know I'm not stupid. As much as some people want to think that I am a love-drunk fool, I am actually particularly grounded when it comes to the idea of being with someone else. So much in fact, that it terrifies me. I know I have a smart head on my shoulders, I know my experiences and voyages thus far have taught me well. So when my heart tells me one thing, and my head is telling me the same for once, I think I can trust my womanly instinct.


Because that's always the problem with people isn't it? Our hearts tell us one way to feel, but our heads always want to contradict the notion. This drives us crazy, drives us up walls, drives us to madness. We just naturally think "follow your heart," but the heart can be the most deceitful above all things. I wish I could explain why that is so desperately. But no one understands, no one can even begin to grasp it. The heart is sick, wicked, incurable. Are our hearts self seeking? How can something that brings the life to our bodies hurt us so? It's something I just don't understand, I really just don't get it. 


When my heart was telling me to tell him how I felt, was it playing a trick on me? Was my heart deceiving me to teach me a lesson? I laid there listening to his excuses. One after the other, each minute passing, my eyes would drift away in dampness further. Was he really shutting me down by trying to say he respected me enough to not hurt me? Wait, what? You respect me, so you don't want to hurt me. What did he think he was doing now? I didn't understand what he was getting at, but with each word he defended himself with, my fears began to stand on their own two feet. Why was he even defending himself so aggressively, all I said to the boy was that I wanted to be with him. That I cared enough about him, and only him, to commit to making him. It had been over a month of questions and long days of not  knowing where we stood, what we were, or how he truly felt. Each time I would open my mouth to ask, or to tell, it was just too much for him to handle. But this night, it felt so right. I had gone out with his family, he had met mine the week before, he was dangling everything I wanted in my face. So, I told him where I stood... and he broke my heart.


My heart was screaming, but I couldn't say anything. My chest was imploding and all I wanted to do was run away. I had never been week in front of him before, I wasn't go to let that change. I walked out quietly, praying someone would come pick me up in the middle of the night. My best friend was talking me through everything on the phone, when I heard footsteps behind me. Before he was soft, then turned too rough when I was responding the way he wanted me too. But this, this was a side of him I had never seen. He was boiling with anger. He was yelling at me, saying that I was dramatic, that I blew everything out of proportion, and that of course "it was all too much." Naturally, I told him that I was sorry, but that's when I caught myself before falling in to my own madness too far. I didn't need to be sorry. I told him that all I was doing was telling him how I felt. I was telling the guy I was falling for that I wanted to be his. And for someone who is so lonely and wants to be loved so bad, he just shut me off more. Pushed me away to the point of brokenness. What could I do? Everything I said was wrong. I tried to cling on to the hope of not losing him by telling him I would never hurt him and that he didn't need to afraid, then he just left me. Just like that. He left me standing there, alone, shaking, crying, falling apart. 


What the fuck just happen?


Why was I so broken for this guy who found it so easy to leave me? How did our night go from bliss to the fucking sunken Titanic? Immediately I was blaming myself. "shit Grace, why did you have to say anything? You know he doesn't like it when you come on too strong with talk of feelings and the future. Everything was going so good, and you fucked it all up. again. again. again. and a fucking gain." I'm just defeated. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think the time was right, and that he would feel the same way. But he says that he can't like me on my time terms. That he is really fucking sorry about that, but it's not the way he is. He's got other shit. And I'm sure I already know what that "other shit" most likely includes. There's a reason he is keeping himself from me. There is a reason is denying himself the feelings I know deep down that he has. There is a reason, and I'm sure it has a better smile, better hair, bigger boobs, and gives a good romp. I'm not a dumb bitch. Although I was falling, I didn't lose myself. I'm not sorry I told him how I felt, and he obviously had to find a way to get the finger off of him by shitting a brick about leaving his house. So defensive. So aggressively defensive. I'm smarter than a lot of people think. And I'll be damned if I will be made a fool of for following my heart. Yeah, it might be a vindictive little bitch of a heart, but it's mine. 


It hurts, yeah, it really fucking hurts. But it is what it is.
If I'm not enough for the guy, if pouring out my heart to him, offering myself to him, if wanting to make this guy completely happy just doesn't appeal to him, then why I am I so sad? It's not like I was telling him to drop everything and hurry his little time terms up. I was telling him where I stood. I was offering some stability in our little fucked up dating game. If that's not enough to at least keep him around, then he doesn't deserve one more tear. Not even a single thought. But I meant every word I said to him. My feelings are tangible.


Hex the heart that just seeks love. For it is never filled. 


There's so much more I want to say. But I have been typing for an hour, and I was just about to go into a plea for him to just come back and forgive me, that we'll go at his pace for as long as he wants too. But do I even want that? Is he treating me the way a man should? I don't even know. It hurts, it really fucking hurts. And it makes no fucking sense. Just like our fight, just like the heart being deceitful above all things. Makes no FUCKING sense.

No one ever mentions fear.

This time last year, the most important thing to me was writing to the boy I loved, who was in jail. I met him in the Hebrew Bible class we had together at the beginning of my freshman year at NKU. For a month, it was butterflies and orange roses. Smiles and a new love that seemed right for the first time. He was all I had up there at the time, and day by day it began to wither away. He picked at me, calling out my flaws, or that things he didn't like about me. When I was blonde, he liked brunettes, he hated my lip ring, when in the beginning he loved the edge. He used to think my southern accent was adorable, soon he was making fun of me for talking like a "hillbilly". Still, I didn't want to lose him. I remember him taking me to the hospital in the middle of the night after we were fighting that whole day, because I was going into anaphylactic shock. He stayed with me the entire night, when I had no one else there for me. He looked into my eyes as I was laying there hooked into the IV, and just smiled and said, "I'm just falling in love with you with every passing minute."


Little did I know, he was a ticking time bomb. He told me weeks into our relationship that he was a recovering heroin addict, and alcoholic. He had been sober for months, so I was never too worried about it. I just cared about the person he was then, and wasn't going to judge who he was in the past. But by the time he was picking me apart, yelling at me, and smoking again, I knew it was all falling apart. Within weeks, he stopped showing up for class, stopped responding to my texts, and had simply, disappeared. 


A month later, I received the first letter from him. It was like he was a completely person. After relapsing and ending up in jail, he gave it time to really decide what he wanted. He wanted to let me go, because of what he had done. But he just couldn't. He didn't expect a reply from me, and wrote me to tell me that he was so sorry for everything, and that I deserved nothing less than a prince. I wrote him back, and for months our only communication was letters. He was changing, becoming a man of God whilst in jail, and within 2 months he told me he loved me for the first time. My mom was very encouraging and accepting of him, which helped, but I was so confused. 


When he was released from jail and on house arrest, I went to see him for the first time in 5 months. It was an unbelievably emotional experience to be around him and touch him, after so many months of forming who I thought he was now in the head. It wasn't 2 months later when I found that he was still the boy I met so long ago. He hadn't changed. He was still stubborn, still treating me like I wasn't that important, and took me for granted everyday. Yet, I couldn't let go. I was emotionally attached to this boy. I didn't understand it. No one did. But I'm sure he did. He would tell me he wanted to marry me, have a family, and when the summer drew near, we were even discussing an engagement. 


But it fell apart once more, and before I knew it he had another girlfriend. The same girl that was his "best friend" but happened to bone a few times. My woman instinct always told me not to trust her, and surprise, surprise, I was right. But even after they started dating, I still heard from him, he'd call me from time to time, tell me he loved me, and that he knew deep down she wasn't for him. It made no sense. And for whatever reason, after I was a living in Louisville a couple months on my own, I just let go. I no longer felt the need for his approval, or the urge to hear his voice. It's like it simply, fell off of me. Broke free. I stopped answering his calls, and made everything on my facebook private. He would always comment on how he checked my profile at least 10 times a day to always know what I was doing. Weird. I know. But once I made it all invisible, I got another phone call, about two weeks ago. It was at 1:00 in the morning, he asked "are you alone?" I said, "no." He then replied, "I just wanted to check on you, I'll call back some other time." And that was it. My heart didn't ache when he hung up like it used too. I barely gave it a second though, and that surprised me.





I went on countless dates, had meaningless flings, and always came back down to the conclusion that Steven was the person for me, because I just couldn't find anyone else. Every boy I tried to have feelings for, I just couldn't. Nothing was happening inside of me, my heart was untouched, and I felt just as cold as I always had. I couldn't even remember the warmth I used to know. It's like I wanted to have a commitment and bond with someone so bad, that I just began to lose myself in the chase. I was just beginning to let it all go, when I met the most interesting person I have ever come across. 

He was quiet and gentle, tall, and strong. He asked me questions, and smiled at my dodges. We watched the stars, and played guitar hero. He had a struggle, facing pain everyday... probably the first man that I could ever relate to in that area. He was smooth yet rough, so guarded, but something about him showed vulnerability. He was searching for something too. But things happened... and some things didn't happened. 

I was just beginning to write him off, when he kept coming back. Even though I was seeing other guys and keeping my options open, whenever I received a text from him I was most excited. Whenever I was with someone else, I would just think about how I'd rather be with him. Whenever we were together we could lay together in silence and just enjoy it, whereas with the others it's like someone had to be saying something or it would get awkward. I decided for myself to tell him how I felt and let him know that he was what I wanted. To my surprise, it backfired. And instead of him wanting to be closer to me, he just moved back. Now that I think about it, it shouldn't surprise me at all. He is one of the weirdest dudes I have met in my life. I don't know what he means by half the things he says, he likes to beat around the bush a lot, and stay far away from emotional answers. But that's the exact reason I am drawn to him. I love the way he is. 

This is the first time in a year I have admitted to having legit feelings for someone. It scares the shit out of me. There's so much potential, and unknowns. But when I finally had a night with him where I didn't think, and didn't pressure myself or him into feelings anything, it just fell into place. It felt natural to rant to him about my parents and little sisters, and I enjoyed listening to his advice and his own rants. I was being 100% myself, and so was he. Our chemistry in undeniable. Every time we spend time together, something new happens, a new feeling presents its self. Laying in his arms, something new is revealed to me about myself. And I have never been about to say that about anyone else. 

It's still new, and what we have is much like his body, fragile. But it's something worth the wait. I don't need to think about it, and I don't need to know every second of the day that he still wants me. Something just makes sense when I am with him. It's an odd sense of invisible security. The second I lose myself, the insecurities and questions, and over analyzations, I move closer to knowing what I want and who I want. Could it really be him fixing me unintentionally? I don't know. And that's okay, I'm just going to let it be, and listen to my heart.

I pray it doesn't deceive me. 

Taking the risk.

I tell myself to take a breath,
and think before I speak.
But that's my exact problem.
I say too much, just makes me look weak.


I can't wait for the day where games no longer satisfy.
When people are with you because they want to be,
when you trust them because you believe them.
When security outweighs the question.


Chances are meant for taking.
Life is meant for living.
We chase death to cheat it, don't we?
Voluntarily jumping out of a plane,
Voluntarily giving a part of yourself to someone,
not knowing if you'll ever get that part back.
It's all the same, is it not?

I'd rather be filled with emotions whether they are beautiful or dark.

Because at least that's a reminder that I was feeling something in the first place.

Emptiness is not strong.

It does not make you strong to not feel.

It means you're alone.

It's okay to be reckless, 

it's okay to let your guard down.

Live and learn to love, 

or in your emptiness you will drown. 

Risks are for the reckless. For the Fearless.

There are some things I will never learn.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.


...To die, to sleep -- No more. 


And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. 


To die, to sleep-- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

must give us pause. 

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

Nightmare: Night Three

Night of November 13, 2010.

(dream)

I was riding bikes with an old childhood friend down Cropper Rd. towards Shelbyville, when we came to that four way stop in town. Our light was green to keep going straight through the intersection, but I told her to slow down and just wait for the next one. Then in a split second an old woman stepped out of her car right into traffic, committing suicide.  It all happen right in front of us. A truck hit her, turning her body almost inside out, then another car flipped over that truck, ejecting people out on to the street. There was fire and people screaming so loud.